Tuesday, March 10, 2015

Dear Global Apraxia

Dear Global Apraxia,

When I first heard about you, I was reading a post on the Teach Me to Talk website, and I thought, "Hmm, I wonder if Kiddo has that?  I sure hope not, it sounds terrible."  I asked Kiddo's therapist when he was 17 or 18 months if she thought he had you.  She told me "No" just like that, and I was relieved.

A half year later, no new words or sounds, and it became harder to ignore.  I was fairly convinced now, but since no professional had put it into words, I could pretend you didn't exist.

And then, we moved and we had a new therapist, Ms. Blessing, and I asked her on our second visit. She confirmed it, and in a way I was relieved to know what was going on, though devastated that you were what was plaguing his development.  After she left I wept for about 20 minutes, and then decided to wipe off my tears, roll up my sleeves and get to work beating you.

Because that's what we're going to do.   You hear me apraxia?  We will beat you.

I've been mad at you before.  Not just mad, angry.  I've been frustrated with you daily.  I've been sad because of what you've done to my precious child.  No, not just sad, devastated.  I've wept more tears than I could count.  I've been so overwhelmed by all the areas we need to work on with Kiddo that I've felt paralyzed, not even knowing where to start or what to focus on.  I've been anxious about Kiddo, his progress, the therapies, our finances because of all the therapies.  So much anxiety it has affected my health, every aspect: physical, mental, spiritual and emotional. And apraxia, you are one expensive time consuming beast to beat.  I've been jealous of those kids who don't experience you, who can learn things so quickly and easily, and I've been jealous of those moms who can plan their lives around play dates and nap times, rather than around therapies and doctors appointments.  I'm exhausted because of you.  Tired of all the worry, the stress, the appointments, the bills, the calls to insurance and doctor's offices, the watching other kids do things so easily that Kiddo struggles with, the teaching of the same skills over and over and over and over again.  I've felt lonely on this journey.  And worst of all, I've doubted God's goodness because of you.  I've told God before how much I hate you, how I know God could heal Kiddo of you, and yet, here you still are.   But so is God, right here with me.  You may play a big role in our lives, but God's role is so much bigger and greater and more powerful.

Each and every day a new sound, a new word, a new phrase, a new skill shows that we are slowly but surely beating you.  So much victory, so much celebration in every inchstone on the way to the big milestone.

One day, you will be just something we mention in passing.  "Oh, Kiddo had global apraxia.  It took years of therapy to get him to talk, to jump, to walk up and down stairs alternating his feet, to hold his pencil in a normal grasp, but look at him thriving now."

I look forward to that day.  Better watch yourself apraxia.  Because not only will we overcome you, but we will look back and realize how much stronger you've made all of us.  We're already stronger than we would be without you in our lives.

Yep, you better watch yourself apraxia.  We are beating you.


  1. Yay Jenn! I'm glad you did one too! Love it.

    1. I just realized you did this 10 days ago! Whoah am I behind. Did you see they are doing this on the website "The Mighty?"

    2. Yes I did, and was inspired. I love The Mighty! Just went to your blog and read yours. Love it, and how similar they are. :)